this is your sign bitch

hi, this is a sign that u really need to stop being so hard on yourself.
This is a picture of me in February 2019 in Thailand. I look at this picture now in 2020 have such mixed emotions. I had run away to China because I had major depression and couldn’t cope in England anymore and then in efforts to turn my life around I booked a solo trip to Thailand for Valentine’s Day. I thought I was failing at EVERYTHING. I felt like everybody hated me and I felt that my time on this earth was quickly coming to an end. That was fact for me, I knew it was over soon, there was no two ways about it. I distinctly remember looking at 40+ year olds and thinking “how on earth have they actually made it this far?” The fact I ever had that question makes me so upset now, but at the time it was one that would truly baffle me. What was it that made them keep going for so long? I honestly pitied them for sticking around for so long. I was being so hard on myself, punishing myself physically and mentally every single day. But now when I sit and think of all the events/things that made me ill and the things that I overcame, I get overwhelmed with pride. I never feel proud of myself but when I think of the absolute PIT I was in and the fact that I somehow managed to drag myself out of it, I truly do feel proud of myself. I wish I had someone telling me to go easy on myself at the time. To stop hating myself or to stop expecting so much of myself when so much was going on. Depression and trauma is SCARY and you don’t have to be confident and badass all the time and you don’t always have to have your shit together!! Stop being so nasty to yourself, you’re going through some rough shit and the last thing you need is to punish yourself.
I’m glad I took myself away to Thailand, it was one of my many turning points. I drove round an island and realised that moments like that were why people stuck around and I knew that I’d eventually be okay. And she was right bitch! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole entire life and I’m nicer to myself every single day. Down days come and go but this time around I’m way easier on myself and have less harmful coping mechanisms! Yay for growth ay

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